Awake

The Sky breaks open, a fluorescent pink
The day not yet started, all is quiet
The mind is astir, but without destination
A hot cup, so carefully blended
Its aroma teasing the senses
With flavors yet to come
Its heat erodes the morning’s chill
The creatures of the land begin to scurry
Getting about the business of their day
The birds announce to the world
That it’s time to awake
The squirrels forage and collect
For the day and the next
The streets are silent, the shops are closed
To sit not thinking in a silent repose
A time with such value no one can mistake
The wonder in being the first one awake.

The Past

“Do you say that to all your lady friends?” she asked me, as the wind spills out of my fully charged sails. I spend a moment to gather myself. My momentary eloquence dashed by a single typed line. In one heartbeat, I am pleased with the admission of my raw, honest feelings and in the next I am tormented by the folly of past mistakes.

A tiny sorority of cruel idiots and liars, each one more wrong for me than the next, my past haunts me . I stumble and fumble for words that don’t sound like the well rehearsed machinations of an experienced player. I am left with no options. You see, things really are not the same as they’ve been in the past, and I really haven’t said the thing I’ve just muttered to anyone before. I have only the truth and a prayer for its acceptance at my disposal. I am tasked with the heroic challenge of explaining that which on its surface may seem unbelievable.

In the midst of all this, I cannot fault her for her doubts. A healthy skepticism is a quality I’ve been looking for in a mate. How can I then bring myself to blame the doubter? At a certain point in our years we accumulate enough mistakes so that it becomes as natural to doubt as it does to breathe. We can no longer accept things at face value without lying to ourselves. It is just not an option for anyone who aspires to live beyond the everyday hypocrisies. Everything must be measured and considered before actions become appropriate. This is just our human condition.

My strained effort to explain the uniqueness of our relationship seems to satisfy her, though both of us know full well that time and actions are the only trees that bear real fruit. I breathe a sigh of relief as I dodge the spectre of my past, and I find the truth does actually set you free.

As the days pass I remain perplexed, however, with how to put my past in perspective. Getting bogged down and paralyzed with regret doesn’t seem to be a fruitful course of action, but neither does forgetting about it and acting like it never happened. It isn’t a worry, but a question that lingers in the back of my mind. “In what perspective should I view my past?”

Then from across the cubicles comes an answer. One coworker comforts another as I sit there half listening, “You’ve got a right to get past your past.” The answer seems so clear as if it were being spoken directly to me and my unanswered question. It occurs to me that I have that right too.

Does She Know?

I wonder, does she know?
Does she know what it has meant ?
My life alone, so sorely spent
Wasted days chasing dreams contrived
Waiting, wanting to be fully alive
My love from afar, I wonder could she see?
Someone so similar, how’d it come to be?
To lose oneself in another’s eyes
And finally remove that insulating disguise
The insipid fear that tugs from behind
Questions past illusions made in the mind
Silenced, discredited the cynic inside
What is tangible, real can’t be denied
What was planted yesterday
Has already begun to grow
I’m in love with her already
I wonder, does she know?

Fear

Many who have read Frank Herbert’s Dune series are familiar with “the Litany Against Fear”

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Yet for many of us, our fears remain the guiding force in our lives. We fear failure, we fear getting hurt, we fear disappointment, we fear disappointing, and some of us even fear success. The major decisions in our lives, which career to pursue, who to marry, where to live, often reflect more about what we fear than they reflect what we aspire to. Moreover, these fears affect our behavior. We allow ourselves to become arrogant, rude, self-righteous, even violent or paralyzed, when faced with that which we fear.

The question is, how can we claim faith if we are led by our fears? The belief in an All-Knowing, All-Powerful Creator who nurtures and sustains us seems juxtaposed to fear. Moreover, the belief in Divine Will and Divine Decree should lead us to an understanding that things are unfolding as they are supposed to. So, since we are enlightened with this awareness of an Omniscient, Omnipotent God, then what is there to fear?

Yet we go through our daily lives afraid. We are afraid that there are people out to get us, afraid of losing our livelihood, afraid of rejection, afraid of disappointment, afraid of change. We devise strategy after strategy to insulate ourselves from these fears, and we use these fears as justification for all manner of bad behavior. We behave selfishly because we imagine others are doing the same. We hoard and spend out of fear that the money will be gone tomorrow. We hold in our feelings because we are afraid of rejection. And, we shy away from risk because we fear failure and we fear not knowing how success might change our lives.

Because we have signed on to the notion that our fears are what protect us and not our faith, we remain stuck. We remain stuck in lives that don’t challenge us, with people who don’t inspire us, and with habits that don’t really serve us. We serve time in jobs that we don’t like instead of pursuing our dreams. We stay stuck in bad relationships for fear of being alone. We spend months, even years loving from afar thinking that loneliness is better than heartbreak. We spend hours of our day, that add up to years of our lives, wasting time.

If we truly are people of faith, then why not, why not take a chance? Chase your dreams, walk away from bad relationships, tell that person who catches your eye how you feel, don’t be afraid to reinvent who you are. Is there really anything to be afraid of?

I love you

I love you.

I love you with a conquering love
That brushes aside the daily problems,
That solves disagreements before they start
That breaks down prejudices,
And, that inspires us to be better than the day before.

I love you with a love that
Is so intense it hurts,
So bright it blinds,
So strong, it cannot be contained
And is so true, it cannot be wrong.

I love you because of your flaws, not in spite of them.

I love you better than you have ever been loved,

My love for you
Justifies itself,
Redeems me,
Makes me whole,
Humbles me,
Grounds me,
Inspires me,
Amazes me.

I love you so completely and deeply,
That it seems to be a supernatural force,
Beyond my comprehension or control.


I love you.